The Story of the Theory of Oregon

A friend of mine (who shall remain nameless since he's a wuss and doesn't feel comfortable insulting an entire state) and I were driving his car down from Seattle, WA to Caltech for the summer. Unfortunately, we had to go through Oregon:

Ugly, ain't it?

But back to the story:

As we passed through, I opened the map and noticed how many cities had names which were very similar to those in other states, i.e. Portland, Salem, and Bend, while others simply had people-like names, i.e. Eugene, Washington and Monroe. At first I just wrote it off to lack of imagination. But there is something far more sinister at work in Oregon.

Obviously during such a trip we were forced to stop repeatedly. And everyone we met fell into one category: Loser extraordinaire. After much consideration and deep scientific thought, I could arrive at only one conclusion.

The Theory of Oregon

If someone in the other 49 states of the union is determined to be a totally incompetent fool, he and his family are forced to move to Oregon. He is forced to move into a town with a name which either matches that from which he moved or one which matches his name.

Note that not all Oregonians must be losers. Just a majority. Around 97%, actually. It is possible for someone to be born in Oregon who is not a pathetic loser. However, since he is surrounded by so many schmucks his life sucks and he must escape by the age of 18 or be converted into "one of them". Oregon has the power to suck the coolness out of anyone.

Chris Bisbee's List of People Who Should Be Forced To Move To Oregon

Disclaimer: This list is meant for fun. No full real names will be used (Unless you're really famous). If it bothers you that much to be on this list:

Too Bad!

You're taking yourself too seriously. Chill. It's a joke.

Yoko
Slightly louder than an air raid siren, and the sound that comes out is always more annoying
Barney (The dinosaur)
Poisons little kids minds with his inane prattle. The little purple phallic symbol should be forced to "drop the soap" in a prison.
The entire populace of Cleveland
Who else can set a river on fire????? Add losing the Clowns, and you get a major suck at the Mistake by the Lake
Art Modell
I didn't think Cleveland could ever improve. I was wrong. They no longer have this waste of skin.
SUB-J Girl
With a nickname like that, your life must suck.
- Censored by Rotation Rules -
If you're a Flem, you know exactly what I want to say
Professor Plum
Really needs to figure out how to play the game. Unfortunately lost his copy of the rules. Must suck to be him.
Singing Spanish Guy
QED
McDonald's Bitch
Couldn't tell the difference between two cheeseburgers and two double cheeseburgers. Then tried to charge me two bucks too much. Then tried to explain that by saying it was tax. TWO BUCKS on a THREE DOLLAR order?????
Dennis Rodman
Figure it out buddy, no one gives a rat's ass what color his hair is. If he couldn't rebound, he'd be an unknown whiny schmuck. As opposed to the known whiny schmuck he is.

The End (for now)